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Five Resolution Tips or Just Some Good Sense

As 2019 kicks off, resolutions are in full swing...or not. According to Forbes, self-improvement is goal number one with weight loss, eating healthier and better finances reaching near the top. Some estimates state more than 40% of Americans make New Year's resolutions; however, only 8% achieve them. So how do you make them stick? Although I am my own toughest critic, here is my take on the subject and a few insights over the years.

1.    Achievable Goals

Americans tend to push the limit in everything we do: bigger houses, better jobs, supersized meals at restaurants, maxed out credit cards, closets of clothes and shoes and the list goes on. While many of these have negative connotations, this “push the limits” personality has led to some pretty great things too: leaders in technology (Steve Jobs), exceeding the boundaries of science and probably the can-do attitude for democracy itself.

The idea that more is better, and we can do anything we set our minds to, can get us into trouble though when it comes to New Year's resolutions and setting goals. The evidence is everywhere. "Lose 10 pounds in one week." "Be debt free in six weeks." Our culture is filled with lofty advertising to change ourselves completely--to do a major overhaul--in record time. 

The irony is, it took months, usually years, and sometimes a lifetime for those bad habits to be ingrained; we then get frustrated when we cannot change them overnight. The solution is to start small and increase our goals each week or month. It is a lot better to feel like a winner at small but achievable goals rather than to feel like a quitter because of unreasonable ones. That being said, we still have to make them...

2.    Measurable Goals

By Sew Seraphic Life

A goal by its very definition needs some kind of measurable result to know it has been achieved. Even if we make a generic goal--to eat healthier--there is an end goal or reason why we are doing it. Maybe it is to be a certain weight, to have more energy, to solve a health problem; however, we do not know if it's truly working, or how it’s working, unless we track it. 

Let's say for example, we ate better for six months and we only lost five pounds. It is certainly a win--better than gaining or maintaining--but where do we look to understand how we can improve? It’s not fun to keep track of everything. With any goal though, all experts will tell you, tracking is necessary.

3.    Moving Forward with the Right Mentality

While we need measurable goals, we also need to balance it with a reality check. Statistics show that the majority of people quit the first week after New Year's resolutions begin and it declines thereafter. The reason being, we often think it is an all or nothing type of thing. 

If we fail to eat well one day or skip the gym or purchase unneeded items--all is lost, we've failed. This is when we need a reality check. We ate healthy meals five out of the seven days. We need to see the value in what we have done rather than let the negative thought come in that we haven’t done it perfectly.

This idea of moving FORWARD (not being perfect) is a huge game changer when making goals. This state of mind--we have to consistently work on, especially in the beginning--will often determine whether we throw in the towel or continue on with our resolutions. 

4.    Do What Works for You

At library sales (I'm a fan of recycle and reuse with books) there is ALWAYS one type of book that excessively supersedes all other types of books: self-help. Whether it's the low-fat cookbooks, the shredding your abs in so many days exercise books, the how to be happy, how to change your mindset, how to achieve financial reward—they’re all discarded by people who (I'm suspecting) realized they didn't work for them. 

We can't help it. We are a culture who looks outward for guidance: to our leaders, celebrities, God, gurus, mentors--anyone we think has the magical answer we can't seem to find ourselves. 

The truth is, nobody has the perfect answer for how to change; especially, when we are the ones who have to put in the work and even more importantly, we are not all the same. It is a matter of taking advice from different sources and then adapting what is relevant to our own lives and then if it doesn't work, tweak it or try something else. 

Along with this, we have to know some of these people we emulate are not realistic role models. That celebrity in Beverly Hills who tells you how to live on 1600 calories a day, exercise for an hour, maintain a fulltime job, cook a fabulous dinner in 30 minutes or less and of course, be the World's Greatest Mom while doing it all is not realistic! That star who makes us think she can do it all (so why can’t we) probably has one or all of the following: chef, nanny, personal trainer, driver--oh, and Botox for that perfect skin.

Instead of trying to emulate the top 1% who look like supermodels, throw down a meal like Martha Stewart, live like the Kardashians, or have suddenly become millionaires (like on informercials) by buying a pack of audio CDs and a book on wealth, the best way to seek motivation and uplifting advice is to read and watch ordinary people who have struggled or conquered their issues. They are the ones who have the real gems of advice.  

5.    We ALL Need to Judge Less

We are a society who compares ourselves to other people. We feel guilt when we are exercising because we're not at home with the kids and guilt when we are with the kids at some fun place because we're not at home cleaning. This describes more of the female side, but with the male side (and now female, too) it's usually working extended hours and not being home with the family. There is guilt for everything if we let it in. 

Two of my New Year's resolutions are: care less about what other's think and let go of the guilt I place on myself. I'm not sure what happened, but these are two resolutions that magically clicked once 2019 hit and let me tell you, living without guilt (especially, that we women place on our own selves) is incredibly freeing.

Here's the thing: we will never be perfect. We think there is some Holy Grail or end zone where we’ll suddenly be everything and all that we've ever wanted to be. It's an illusion. We can never make it all happen: perfect body, perfect job, perfect house, perfect family--never.

We can only move forward and be realistic in our goals, make them attainable instead of unreachable and most definitely, give ourselves a break from an all or nothing attitude. We all have to love and be kind to ourselves first--before our children, our spouses, our friends, our parents, our community.

 I have never really understood the notion when doctors or self-help books have said, "You have to take care of yourself to be there for others." Then the meaning sort of all came together. This *love yourself first* extends way beyond just making sure you eat right or exercise or save money or whatever the most popular resolutions or goals are.

 

Sure, it’s a part of it--like for example, through exercise you have more energy for your kids--but it's so much more. It goes along with having free time to do the things YOU are passionate about. Time for you to get away and socialize with friends. We feel guilty because we think taking time for ourselves is selfish, this is what we’ve been taught, especially if we have children in the mix. Part of how we win at resolutions, and a happy life, is taking the time to take care of ourselves. Otherwise, we get rundown, into bad habits and end up making even more goals and resolutions.

Whatever the case, resolutions or not, the best and most poignant advice I can give you is to love yourself more in 2019. If over 40% of Americans make resolutions each year, there is obviously something we wish would be different with ourselves. By being more forgiving, yet still being accountable, we can all be winners at this resolution thing and be one of the 8% who succeed. 

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The Start of Something Good. Kickoff to 2019!

I'm back baby and I'm starting full throttle this year. 

There are enough sayings to make you believe we have the power to redeem ourselves. After all, didn't Christ rise in like three days? (Okay, maybe I shouldn't compare myself to the savior of all mankind. But you get the point.) Some redemption examples: Hit rock bottom and there's no place to go but up! Like a phoenix out of the ashes we rise! 

Whoever tagged these famous pick-me-up lines, I'm using and abusing them this year. I plan never to go back to 2018. It's done and over. Put it in the books as finished. Stuff it in a grave and bless its little soul.  

Many great things happened. I had an interview and a humorous story published in our local paper called Bravo. I was a writer for a diversity art installation that was shown at libraries all along the Fox River Valley. Two of my finished stories will be published in anthologies next year. These are personal accomplishments. My children did many great things too. But the bad...Oh vey! And I'm not even Jewish.

Depression is a MF of a beast. I'll go into it later, maybe. It's hard to admit you are not invincible. It's hard to talk about it when half the nation thinks depression is made up, or it's the blues, or you're just having a bad day. Most of it was situational. It was GO from day one until day 365. For example, this was one week: my husband was traveling, I had to find a car to buy, we were leaving for a Florida vacation that Friday, my daughter had volleyball practice, there was a school event and I had hurt my knee again. I learned to never buy a car when you're tired. The vultures (car salesmen) will prey on your fragile mind. But that's in the past, shall we move on.

I have big things planned. It's a sink or swim year, literally. And I'm not giving my life up for anyone. As my friend mentioned, it's time to FLY, First Love Yourself. Many women forget we are not dynamos. We run until we drop. We put too much value on what others think about us. In the end, 100% we are responsible for our own lives. So we need to pick ourselves up and fight.

I'll get more into what I plan to do with this blog as we troll along. For one, update it! I hope you join me. As I always mention, friend me on Facebook under Debbie Kollar. I'm also starting 365 days of tweets on Twitter starting January 1st. It'll help me to learn to get to the point, save me from depression and hopefully, make you smile. I have a good sense of humor if I do say so myself. They'll be short, inspirational and funny. Honest! (Actually, Twitter requires this, or I would probably push the word limit. I'm sneaky like that.) Here's to 2019!

Another Day Another Year: Update

It's been a few years since I did my blog. As we all know, technology has changed substantially. I primarily post on Facebook. If you like my writing and want to friend me on Facebook feel free to let me know. It's under Debbie Kollar or email me at kollardk@aol.com and put something that will attract my attention in the subject line like: FRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK.  :-)

The past several years have been both good and bad. We've lost all the original crew for our pets. It was a hard road to take.

Emmy, our dog, was the last one to die. She was 16 and had stomach cancer. The vet had said we probably should euthanize her right away. It was a painful way to go if it erupted. To us though, it seemed like she was acting normal. She wasn't ready to go. She lasted another year and boy, did we give her the best life we possibly could with treats, walks, attention and love.

The day after Christmas, it was time and we made the hard decision to euthanize her. She was starting to not know her surroundings. The vet said he had no idea how she had lasted a year based on how big her tumor had grown except that she was waiting for us to be ready. I believe it. Cats and dogs--even people--who have a death sentence with cancer or any other disease always hold out for their loved ones. Love always conquers pain.

Since then we adopted Tweedledee and Tweedledum or Tip and Oreo. My husband had a two week business trip in France and because of the anxiety of doing it all by myself over those two weeks, I decided to add on to it and the kids and I scoured the shelters to adopt two puppies. A definite surprise for my husband when he arrived home.

They are quite the workout. Oreo, a German Pointer mix male, chews on everything. He's chewed up a toy helicopter, several rolls of decorative washi tape, pencils, markers, book covers--I can't even remember everything. Tip, a Terrier mix female, is super smart and super bossy! She has a good heart but with other dogs, they better not try and mount her or that bitch goes off on them. Pardon the expression. They are a work in progress, but I've never given up on pets. That's just who I am. Besides, someone says it takes three years before they are truly out of that puppy or early dog stage.

As for writing, my short stories are now printed in several anthologies. I've also done a profile interview for our local newspaper. I worked really hard. I still need to put more work into sending stuff out to get published. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to succeeding. Not sure if I'm afraid to fail or afraid to succeed. Although I can certainly say, I've grown a ton and for the better with writing.

Our two children are 11 and 6 now. Olivia (6th grade) is in a private volleyball club. She loves volleyball and plays as a setter. She's pretty dang good too. She also loves to draw. Other than occasionally talking back (she's got that preteen phase down pat) she is a good girl. She's super smart, but more importantly, kind and caring with others.

Noah is in Kindergarten. He is as talkative as ever. He once said he didn't like sitting next to a girl on the school bus because she talked too much. He likes to be the center of attention, in a mostly unselfish way. It's his personality. I see him as a comedian, an actor or a race car driver. If he ends up with a desk job I'll be incredibly amazed. He loves to draw, too. On Facebook, he's quite the star with his antics and the stuff he says. His preschool teacher had said, "Noah has a gift for understanding sarcasm. Do you know where he got this?" I told the teacher, probably me. LOL

I guess that's it for now. An update into my world. I'm considering posting on my blog again. Not that anyone reads this, but it's therapeutic and fun. It shows my life in words. I hope everyone is well and remember, if you want to be friends on Facebook go under Debbie Kollar or kollardk@aol.com and put something noticeable in the email heading. I post funny things about life on Facebook. About my family. About me. Some inspiring, some humorous.

Find Your Unique Quality in This World

We all have something specific we bring to the table and often, we need others to show us what it is because we can’t see it ourselves. YOU have this too.
I went to a writer’s workshop yesterday on VOICE. This is the unique style writers bring to anything they write. For example, Stephen King has his own unique style whether he writes a thriller or a memoir. I have never been one to write flowery descriptions or beautiful settings. I realized this year; it doesn’t matter because we each bring something different to this life.

At the workshop, we separated into groups of three. Each group had about eight pictures and we had only TWO minutes to write a really short story/scene for each picture. The two other people in my group read their eight stories. From the woman in our group, we could tell she’s good at inner thoughts of the character. We knew we would learn something from her style/voice. (No surprise, she has two Masters Degrees. You see, everything ends up showing itself somehow.) In the young man’s stories, we saw how religion and emotions are strong in his VOICE. Guess what? He has a major in psychology and went to a religious college.

When it was my turn to read my eight, I was a little embarrassed and I told the other two this. My stories didn’t sound anything like theirs at all. But after reading mine, the two people showed me what I couldn’t see. They said, “You are this apologetic person in life but in your writing you don’t apologize for anything. You go straight for the truth whether it’s good or bad. You might not set the scene or build it up but you go right to the story or heart of it.” The woman said through my eight stories she could see I was an advocate for people. I was floored because I LOVE when I learn something from other people. I couldn’t see this myself but it’s so true. Like a first sentence of one of my short stories goes, “Mama lost her baby boy in the bathwater in the earliest part of May. When April showers give way to the soft winds of springtime and everything which lays dormant in the winter springs up to grow again.” Most of my stories start with an unapologetic truth and I realize this is my VOICE or style and it is okay. I’m not meant to be Hemingway or James Patterson or anyone else.

My point to you is you can’t be good at everything but you can be amazing at something. At times, you don’t see it and others need to show you. It doesn’t matter what you do in life or who you are as a person, you have a talent for something specific. There’s no questioning that, it’s 100% true. Some of you know what it is; some of you are still searching for it. But it’s there. The hard part is not just in finding out what that is, but taking action to push it as far as you can.

We always compare ourselves to other people but in reality, we are not meant to be like everyone else. We need to grow and flourish what we can bring to this world. The young man in my group said something I thought was very insightful. Gone are the days when beauty is what people will be looking for. On social media alone, there are thousands of photographs of beautiful people. It has become common place. (You can even buy beauty with plastic surgery.) What will stand out in the future is what makes a person unique? So find out what you bring to the table of life and if you don’t know, ask people you trust and respect. We all have a unique VOICE/gift/purpose in this life. What’s yours, do you know?

Chewie and Tigger are 18!!

Chewie and Tigger

Chewie and Tigger turned 18 on April 4th! I am very proud. I have had the two since they were born. Chewie had a heart attack when he was sedated once, almost died. Tigger almost died and was opened up to see what was going on because he wasn't eating. We put him on medication and he made a full recovery. Doctor said it was a miracle.

Now, Chewie has cancer (had an ultrasound) and Tigger has cancer or something? When the doctor had opened him up he said something was wrong with a connective duct. Tigger had made a full recovery but it finally caught up with him. Not sure how long he will last. We are feeding him with a syringe and giving him water with an IV. He still is up and down so we haven't given up quite yet. He still has quality of life.

If anyone questions why we work so hard to keep our pets alive when there are so many who need a home the answer is, they are part of the family. It is a very hard process. To say goodbye to a pet or a person is quite horrible. If Tigger is in pain, we will make the hard decision to euthanize him. But like I said, it hasn't gotten to that yet. And Lord, I do not look forward to that day!

I haven't written a lot of posts lately. So much is happening right now. I do send messages and funny little things with Facebook so you can always send me a friend request. I will start writing more for my blog once we see how everything goes with Tigger. I can't complain though. They made it to 18! I begged God to let him live until his birthday and he did. I gave both of them a great life full of love, medical care, quality food and being held - always! They never knew what an animal shelter or pound was like, they were never lost or scared, they never were hungry or cold. I have to look at the bright side. I will still miss them (of course) but in the end, I gave them my best.