Set-up: A purse snatcher approaches Hope and Gina while they are walking home from a movie theater in San Francisco.
“Good evening ladies, I believe you have something I want,” the man smiled looking down at their purses.
Hope looked at Gina, “Is he doing what I think he’s doing?”
“Oh, you don’t want this purse,” Gina said holding her purse tightly to her chest, “you might think this purse is worth something because it’s a Coach original, but I’ve had it for over ten years. You’re not going to get nearly what its worth on the resale value. So I suggest you mosey on down to the next street corner and take a look at what those ladies are carrying. I think an off Broadway show may be letting out,” she smiled back, trying to hide her purse under her coat.
“Listen lady, I don’t care if you're carrying an old Coach bag or a purse from Wal-Mart. It’s what’s in it that I want.”
“Then you’ll probably want her purse instead of mine,” Gina said glancing toward Hope, “she’s the one that makes the big bucks around here. All I have are some Weight Watcher coupons, a few pieces of sugar free cinnamon candies, a credit card that is almost to the limit, maybe a $10 dollar bill and some expensive lip gloss – but you don’t want that, unless you like lip gloss,” Gina said matter-of-factly, “which my cousin, Barry, does but it’s supposed to be a secret; although I don’t think the color Moonbeam Cream would quite be your color,” she said studying his face.
“Lady, shut your yapping trap. Don’t you see I have a knife?”
“Gina, what are you doing trying to get us killed?”
“Let me handle this Hope,” she said, throwing her purse behind her and putting her leg forward to create a wide stance. “I know Kung Fui so you better watch out,” Gina yelled as loud as she could, holding her hands out.
“I think you’ve watched too many movies Gina. Besides, I think you’re combining your words. It’s Kung Fu and Chop Sui. Not Kung Fui.”
“Well my other cousin Marcus told me that if anyone ever tries to attack you to yell loudly that you know some form of martial arts and they’ll leave you alone,” she said, “and if that doesn’t work my momma said to scratch his eyes out and kick him in the ding dong.”
“Oh and your mother said it exactly that way I’m sure," Hope said.
“Well she called it something else but…”
“Excuse me ladies,” the man said impatiently, “there will be none of that kicking in the, in the,” he paused, “in that particular area. Now I do have some business to get done here.”
“No just a minute,” Gina said angrily, “I’ll have you know Hope that my cousin and mother both took combat defensive training courses so they do know what they’re talking about.”
“What, were they both in the Navy Seals or something? Who takes a combat defensive training course?”
“It was a two for one special I bought my mother for her birthday one year.”
“Well it would have helped if you were the one who took her instead of your cousin. Then maybe you would really know karate.”
“No, couldn’t do that, would have seriously ruined my nails,” she said smiling down at her recent manicure.
“Give me your purses for heaven sake,” the guy yelled.
Gina raised her purse behind her head and threw it at the mugger. It hit him as if a football had been directly propelled at his stomach.
He glared at her as he opened up the purse and put his face inside to see what was in it since the streetlight was out. “Oh man,” he said rearing his head back, “what the hell is in this purse? It smells like something died.”
Hope turned toward her, “Gina, please tell me that’s not the purse you brought to the work seminar? The one where you stuffed those extra salami sandwiches and a stalk of over-ripe bananas into it?” Hope asked.
“Yes,” Gina said angrily, turning her back to Hope.
“The same one you brought to the meetings in Mexico where you stuffed all the bread products into it?” Hope added.
“Yes,” Gina said loudly.
“Well,” she said to the man, “the smell could be from one of three things: salami, rotten bananas or an array of moldy bread products,” Hope said calmly.
“Why did you have to tell him that now he’s going to think I hoard old food?”
“He’s a purse snatcher Gina, who the hell cares?”
“Because my mother told me you should always give your best impression. That’s why you’re always told to wear clean underwear in case you’re in a car accident. As my momma said, ‘nobody wants to see you in torn stinky drawers.’” Gina glared at her, “Giving a good impression at all times is the key to finding Mr. Right in an inopportune time. You would know about that if you weren’t stuck at home on Friday nights watching people having operations on the Discovery Channel.”
“I’ll have you know Medical Miracle on the Discovery Channel is a highly rated show so I’m not the only one sitting there watching it on Friday nights. And besides, the E.M.T isn’t going to care that you have clean underwear Gina. He might prefer it that way, but if you are laying there in need of oxygen he’s not going to ask you to change your underwear first. Come on.”
“But it’s the impression,” she whined, “and now because you had to tell him about my purse he’s going to perceive me to be crazy and stinky.”
“It’s already too late for it, you two are complete nut jobs” the man said.
“Oh no, he didn’t just say that. No man with hair coming out from the top of his shirt collar, who is so lazy that he can’t get a job and now is robbing poor defenseless passer-bys is going to put this woman down. I eat men like you for breakfast honey,” Gina said going into a karate stance, “I’ll chop you up with these hands. Slice your head off before you can say ‘boo’.”
“Okay Bruce Lee calm down” Hope said, putting Gina’s karate ready hands back down to her side. “Let me try and talk some sense into this guy,” Hope whispered into Gina’s ear.
“Listen whoever you are; they have this show on the Discovery Channel on Friday nights about the troubled cases that come into the E.R. One happened to be a purse snatcher who held someone up with a knife. And you know what happened?”
“What?” the guy said ill-amused.
“He held up the wrong person,” she pointed at him, “the man he held up had a gun. To make a long story short, the purse snatcher was shot and now he has to wear a colostomy bag the rest of his life. Do you really want to have to wear a colostomy bag the rest of your life cause it ain’t so pretty.”
“I thought I told you not to tell anyone that you stay at home and watch the Discovery Channel on Friday nights," Gina said.
“He’s a mugger Gina, it’s not like I’m ever going to see him again.”
“You never know, maybe his cousin is the next guy you’re going to end up dating and he’ll tell him.”
“I’m sure I’m not going to want to go out with a mugger’s cousin Gina.”
“Well let’s ask him then if he has any reputable cousins,” Gina said.
“Fine, go ahead and ask him, I bet they’re all in prison,” Hope snapped.
“Mister,” Gina turned around but the man had disappeared, leaving Gina’s purse on the ground.
“See what you did?” Gina said, “You showed him how desperate you were by watching those Discovery shows and now you chased him off.”
“I didn’t chase him off it was your stinking purse.”
The two walked home, arguing about who chased off the purse snatcher.
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