November 29, 2012

What You Believe

This morning, I was sleeping on the couch and I had a dream. Well, it was like a dream but not like a dream. In my dream, I was sitting on the couch and Daisy was right next to me, her head turned toward me like she did when she came to see me. I was afraid to touch her at first, thinking she may be rigid or bloody, but then I wrapped my arm around her back, rubbed her neck, and kissed her on the head. Then she was gone. I remember noticing how warm she was when I touched her and feeling like she had come to see me, only to say hi. A simple, unassuming visit.
I only had a dream like this one other time. About a year ago, I was sleeping in the recliner with Noah in my arms. In the dream, Sebastien was on the other side of my lap, playing contently.  It was the very same type of thing.  He just came to visit, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. The strange thing is he looked the age he would have been if he had lived. Not the baby I left at the hospital who had died.

I can't say for sure if their spirits came to visit me. I would like to think so. I would like to believe we are not totally disconnected from those we have lost. But at the same time it is hard. I believe in God. I think I believe that spirits are among us. But there is always that skeptical person inside of me which needs some kind of proof.

I was really excited to see Daisy, whether or not it was true, it was as if I got to see her one last time. But it was also very sad. Seeing someone you've lost in a dream just makes you realize how badly you miss them. To me, those two dreams about Sebastien and Daisy are an amazing gift. It gives a small resolution, a last goodbye when in reality, we will never get one.

I hope heaven exists. I hope all of our pets are there despite the argument by some who say they do not have souls. I hope the millions of babies who have died after they were born or while they were in the womb are there despite those who say fetuses do not have souls. I hope Protestants and Catholics, Jews and Muslims are there and are finally at peace, despite their arguments over religion and who they think God deemed as the "right" religion. I hope gay people are there because homosexuality isn't a choice and it is only by ignorance that people think it is a lifestyle someone would actually choose. I hope murderers and the like who have truly redeemed themselves have a chance to be forgiven and receive the Grace of God.  To me, heaven is a place where everything living on Earth which is inherently good should have a chance to reside.

I hope with all my heart, I will get to see all of those I've lost one day and you will, too.

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